Surprisingly, someone saying to you “he didn’t deserve you” doesn’t make you feel any better. It really should, but it doesn’t. Maybe it’s because in the end, even if the person they chose is a horrific piranha gnawing the emotional flesh off of your ex until he is nothing but a skeletal shell, they still chose that person. Maybe even more so because they chose the piranha over you.

Letting go is fine, until someone brings it up again. What about that guy you were dating? You guys seemed so happy? I saw little hearts coming out of your eyes? What happened? Why aren’t you two together?

Then comes the next part in the cockpunchworthy conversation. I’m shocked! I can’t believe it! You seemed so happy! I honestly thought you were going to announce something soon!

Then the final blow, where you have to semi-explain that he chose the piranha. Well he didn’t deserve you. He’s totally fucked up. I can’t believe it. You’re better off. He doesn’t deserve you anyway. At this point I usually have tears coming to my eyes, both in bringing up the painful past, and with the care this person has for me.

I’m used to it by now. Usually I’m ok with this conversation, but today it came from someone who cares for both of us very much and has known both of us for as many years as we’ve known each other. What she said was this: he should have known better than to play with your feelings like that. He has always known how you feel about him. That? That right there? That was the kindest, most insightful thing anyone has said to me about all of this. And she’s right. I felt the same way about him six months ago that I did sixteen years ago. He should have known better than to put me through any of this again. And for that? I do deserve better – from him or any human being who claims to care about me, be my friend.

So even though these conversations are painful? This one? This was freeing. Was exactly what I needed. Was exactly the right words from exactly the right person. And somehow? I feel lifted, lighter, a bit at peace.

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Had a fleeting moment in the shower (where I do my best and possibly worst thinking). I was thinking of a story I'm writing and I thought of emailing M and asking him why. Or better yet, why not? You know, the answer all of us girls who get left at the alter, so to speak, want to know? I actually wasn't thinking of it in terms of sadness or pity, but more out of curiosity. From the outside looking in, why not me? Was I lacking something, too much of other, what?

Then I thought? No. First of all, he wouldn't see it that way. He would think I was fishing, using this as an excuse to contact him. I'm not after either of those things. If he's happy? Mazal tov. I was doing it to maybe find some answers about myself, but more importantly to figure out why people do this.

Then I thought, I don't need answers from him, I can write it all myself. Every possible answer? I can figure it out. More importantly, whatever the answer is no longer matters. What's done is done and I am perfectly fine writing my own ending.

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I have been reading Suze Orman. It amazes me how little I thought of finances for so long. Of my own financial well-being. Of my finances in general day to day, month to month realm even. The only time I ever really thought about it was when I was extremely poor. I thought about it all the time then, because I never had enough to get me through the month.

The thing that strikes me most about this book is that she is writing it for all women. She specifically says that we need to take action to control our destiny. We need to see how incredible we are. We need to understand that we are worth so much more. We think a working family is more important than money. It’s true. All of it is true. I’m scared because of my family. But at this point, I almost can’t afford not to do it.

Valuing yourself. Give *to* yourself as much as you give *of* yourself.

I don’t know what this means yet, but I am trying to figure it out. Something needs to change, and it’s not just my budget or cutting out the cable. Something big, in order to control my destiny. I can feel a big change is about to come. Imagine the possibilities and go for it.

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Just found out a girl I know that went and gave herself sperm for a birthday present. Makes me want to do that myself. But I want to get out of here as well. And the Jews on the registry are slim pickins, but the idea of a little jewfro noggin with a cute little schnoz baby makes me squee!! And with my gorgeous eyes? Winner winner chicken dinner. I just am so torn bc I want to leave but my clock is also running out. Can I do both?

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It is impossible for (straight) married men to be friends with (straight) single women. IMPOSSIBLE. Believe me I’ve tried. I have never been on the approved list by any of the wives. In fact, there have been specific rules about never being alone with me – even just to go to lunch. Not kidding. Is it me? Is it the women? I’m not sure what I’d do in the same position. Would I let my husband be friends with a single woman? I don’t know. I may never know. But I do know this – men and women being friends? Esp. if one is married? Does not exist. Even in the movies/tv they eventually fall in love with each other. Same goes for dating someone. You can’t date someone and then truly be friends. It just doesn’t work. Also? Why be friends with them? What’s the point? You know way too much about them to make it comfortable in any way – and their new partner is just going to be suspicious and jealous of you. Why bother.

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Holy shit. Watching the Oprah about Mackenzie Phillips and other women who had sexual relationships with their fathers. One woman describing how her father was never in her life. Her fantasy of who her father was fueled this? This frightens me for E. Of course, since he doesn't like girls now, this particular thing won't be a problem. But still...how fucked up are you if you never knew your dad (or mom)? Should I get her into therapy now or wait and see? What is going on in her mind I wonder?

Had a dream last night. It was all about going to find a place where all the Jews are. Israel? Brooklyn? Hollywood? Who knows, but I was finally going and I was excited. The place was filled with all Jewish men with Jewfros. No interpretation needed there. I love me some Jewfro.

Found out a confirmed bachelor I know met a girl a month ago and they just got secretly married. Do you think that's my fate? I will marry the next person I date because I'm lonely and want a baby and time is running out? I don't believe in a soulmate or someone being "the one" anymore, so who knows what my jaded heart will do...

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- No jackassery on social networking sites. Social networking sites are from now on strictly for friends. If you both are on there - fine. But no writing on each other's walls, putting shit about the other person in your status, fighting on there, sending gooey shit to each other - keep it friendly.
- No texting when you can talk on the phone or in person. This is difficult because we are, well, I am, "on" all the time. I have gotten used to NOT talking on the phone. Very bad I know. I need to get back into personal communication.
- No long emails (which this one is a hard one for me because I am a writer) no matter how hard you want to puke up your emotions on virtual paper. Save it for in person.
- No sex before ten dates. I stole this from Cougar Town - but I think it's probably a good thing. I guess. Sigh.
- No meeting a parent/parents until it's absolutely serious.

Anything else I should make as a rule?

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I saw this in a blog today:

Happiness is not based on the absence of problems. Rather, it’s based on the ability to deal with problems.

Developing meaningful relationships leads to happiness. Buying experiences, not things, leads to happiness. Being “mindful” — carefully observing the world and paying attention to, and savoring, the little details that are overlooked — leads to happiness. The ability to bounce back from bad experiences without dwelling on them or continuing to repeat the patterns that caused them, or “resilience,” leads to happiness. Optimism, or better, “realistic optimism” (the glass is not half filled, but the 8-ounce glass has 4 ounces in it), leads to happiness. Each of these can be developed over time.

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I stood in the kitchen. Everything was silent except the cricket symphony playing outside the window. I sliced the melon, cold, ripe and pregnant with seeds and juices tumbled out from the opening. Flesh so tender, I could have torn away the pieces with my bare hands. The room and I both encompassed a sticky tropical air. The soft wet flesh seemed almost sensual, sexual, disturbing and yet intriguing as I ran my knife through each piece. Something so raw, so male and female about it.

Hormones. Sigh.

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The butterfly effect. Your decision changed everything. Something pretty amazing, now gone. Gemini has lost her twin. I will continue to search, but I'm afraid even if found, it won't be the same. Life alters things, causes pain, changes people. Even when one stands completely still, in observing the people surrounding them, they are inevitably changed, affected. No one is immune. We as humans are growing, changing, evolving. We can never go back to, what is now, just a memory.

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