Home
Fishkiller
25 November 2009 @ 11:37 am

Surprisingly, someone saying to you “he didn’t deserve you” doesn’t make you feel any better. It really should, but it doesn’t. Maybe it’s because in the end, even if the person they chose is a horrific piranha gnawing the emotional flesh off of your ex until he is nothing but a skeletal shell, they still chose that person. Maybe even more so because they chose the piranha over you.

Letting go is fine, until someone brings it up again. What about that guy you were dating? You guys seemed so happy? I saw little hearts coming out of your eyes? What happened? Why aren’t you two together?

Then comes the next part in the cockpunchworthy conversation. I’m shocked! I can’t believe it! You seemed so happy! I honestly thought you were going to announce something soon!

Then the final blow, where you have to semi-explain that he chose the piranha. Well he didn’t deserve you. He’s totally fucked up. I can’t believe it. You’re better off. He doesn’t deserve you anyway. At this point I usually have tears coming to my eyes, both in bringing up the painful past, and with the care this person has for me.

I’m used to it by now. Usually I’m ok with this conversation, but today it came from someone who cares for both of us very much and has known both of us for as many years as we’ve known each other. What she said was this: he should have known better than to play with your feelings like that. He has always known how you feel about him. That? That right there? That was the kindest, most insightful thing anyone has said to me about all of this. And she’s right. I felt the same way about him six months ago that I did sixteen years ago. He should have known better than to put me through any of this again. And for that? I do deserve better – from him or any human being who claims to care about me, be my friend.

So even though these conversations are painful? This one? This was freeing. Was exactly what I needed. Was exactly the right words from exactly the right person. And somehow? I feel lifted, lighter, a bit at peace.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

 
 
Fishkiller
15 November 2009 @ 04:53 pm

Had a fleeting moment in the shower (where I do my best and possibly worst thinking). I was thinking of a story I'm writing and I thought of emailing M and asking him why. Or better yet, why not? You know, the answer all of us girls who get left at the alter, so to speak, want to know? I actually wasn't thinking of it in terms of sadness or pity, but more out of curiosity. From the outside looking in, why not me? Was I lacking something, too much of other, what?

Then I thought? No. First of all, he wouldn't see it that way. He would think I was fishing, using this as an excuse to contact him. I'm not after either of those things. If he's happy? Mazal tov. I was doing it to maybe find some answers about myself, but more importantly to figure out why people do this.

Then I thought, I don't need answers from him, I can write it all myself. Every possible answer? I can figure it out. More importantly, whatever the answer is no longer matters. What's done is done and I am perfectly fine writing my own ending.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

 
 
Fishkiller
13 November 2009 @ 02:56 pm

I have been reading Suze Orman. It amazes me how little I thought of finances for so long. Of my own financial well-being. Of my finances in general day to day, month to month realm even. The only time I ever really thought about it was when I was extremely poor. I thought about it all the time then, because I never had enough to get me through the month.

The thing that strikes me most about this book is that she is writing it for all women. She specifically says that we need to take action to control our destiny. We need to see how incredible we are. We need to understand that we are worth so much more. We think a working family is more important than money. It’s true. All of it is true. I’m scared because of my family. But at this point, I almost can’t afford not to do it.

Valuing yourself. Give *to* yourself as much as you give *of* yourself.

I don’t know what this means yet, but I am trying to figure it out. Something needs to change, and it’s not just my budget or cutting out the cable. Something big, in order to control my destiny. I can feel a big change is about to come. Imagine the possibilities and go for it.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

 
 
Fishkiller
07 November 2009 @ 10:46 pm
When so connected with someone, even if you haven't talked in forever, is it weird to know that you're tired because they're tired? You're sad because they're sad? You're turned on because they're turned on? It's kind of annoying, actually. How do you stop telepathy? I think there's only one answer: kill them. Or maybe electro-shock therapy. No, it's definitely to kill them. We wouldn't want anything to happen to ourselves...
 
 
Fishkiller
27 October 2009 @ 08:11 pm
I was never taught how to save money. My folks, having four kids, mostly went month to month as far as I can tell. I have also adapted this concept and lived it well. Well...now I need to save. I have bigger plans and dreams, of which are going to cost some serious dinero. Is that even the correct term?

Anyway, I am putting myself and this household on a budget. Starting in November, we are going to be socking away the cash. If I want to get the things out of life that I want, I'm going to have to sacrifice for it. Problem is, I'm not exactly sure how this is going to work. I'm not exactly, how shall I put this, disciplined. I can cut out eating out for the most part, but beer or sushi every now and then? Come on! I put an app on my phone that is strictly for budgeting. I'm going through my bills and seeing exactly how much I spend, so I can be realistic about this. I am thinking I can surely save at least $500 a month I would think. If I could get it up to $750, that would be awesome. But let's not push it people.

I asked one of my gay besties today - if he were in my shoes - bio clock ticking, but also wanting to move - what would he do? Buy sperm or move? His answer? Both. Well duh - that's how men think isn't it? So I was thinking, why not both? It won't happen tomorrow - but within the year. And being really honest with myself, I'm pretty sure Mr. Right isn't coming - so I need to do what I need to do for me. Make my own family. I don't need a man to do that. It's 2009! I can do it all by myself.

So - the plan is to have a decent amount saved up to move and to buy sperm. If I can manage that, it will be a freaking miracle, but I can at least try... I'm tired of waiting around for things to happen. I will sell everything if need be, but dammit, I'm going to make it happen. All on my own. Fuck men and their lovely penises. I can do this.

Out of budget - hair colored at salon, junk wax at salon, back massages, facials, pedicures unnecessary footwear, same goes with clothing, expensive meals out, expensive movies, alcohol, ect.

In budget - sack lunch every day, dollar movie rentals, cheap or no beer/wine/liquor (this one hurts me the most), Walmart (ok, that one hurts too - in such an emotionally painful way), library rentals, dollar rentals, etc.

Basically - I need to say goodbye to life as I know it for the next seven months. That's ok. I have lived a pretty easy life lately - but i have also lived extremely poor - so I can do this. If you want something bad enough you'll do it. I want this. All of it. So Imma do it. Who needs men?( Again - no I'm not coming out of the closet people. Just doing things myself. )
 
 
Fishkiller
22 October 2009 @ 02:24 pm

Just found out a girl I know that went and gave herself sperm for a birthday present. Makes me want to do that myself. But I want to get out of here as well. And the Jews on the registry are slim pickins, but the idea of a little jewfro noggin with a cute little schnoz baby makes me squee!! And with my gorgeous eyes? Winner winner chicken dinner. I just am so torn bc I want to leave but my clock is also running out. Can I do both?

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

 
 
Fishkiller
20 October 2009 @ 12:21 pm

It is impossible for (straight) married men to be friends with (straight) single women. IMPOSSIBLE. Believe me I’ve tried. I have never been on the approved list by any of the wives. In fact, there have been specific rules about never being alone with me – even just to go to lunch. Not kidding. Is it me? Is it the women? I’m not sure what I’d do in the same position. Would I let my husband be friends with a single woman? I don’t know. I may never know. But I do know this – men and women being friends? Esp. if one is married? Does not exist. Even in the movies/tv they eventually fall in love with each other. Same goes for dating someone. You can’t date someone and then truly be friends. It just doesn’t work. Also? Why be friends with them? What’s the point? You know way too much about them to make it comfortable in any way – and their new partner is just going to be suspicious and jealous of you. Why bother.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

 
 
Fishkiller
15 October 2009 @ 09:56 pm

Holy shit. Watching the Oprah about Mackenzie Phillips and other women who had sexual relationships with their fathers. One woman describing how her father was never in her life. Her fantasy of who her father was fueled this? This frightens me for E. Of course, since he doesn't like girls now, this particular thing won't be a problem. But still...how fucked up are you if you never knew your dad (or mom)? Should I get her into therapy now or wait and see? What is going on in her mind I wonder?

Had a dream last night. It was all about going to find a place where all the Jews are. Israel? Brooklyn? Hollywood? Who knows, but I was finally going and I was excited. The place was filled with all Jewish men with Jewfros. No interpretation needed there. I love me some Jewfro.

Found out a confirmed bachelor I know met a girl a month ago and they just got secretly married. Do you think that's my fate? I will marry the next person I date because I'm lonely and want a baby and time is running out? I don't believe in a soulmate or someone being "the one" anymore, so who knows what my jaded heart will do...

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

 
 
Fishkiller
14 October 2009 @ 10:24 pm
I stole this from the blog sweatsinthecity.wordpress.com and had to steal it -

“I missed her, and sometimes I thought about trying to make it work again, but we had already made that attempt a couple of times and the reality of the situation seemed that we were through with each other. We didn’t feel through with each other, but that was how it seemed to be.

Back when it all fell apart I’d called Jim Farber. “It’s just hard for me to grasp,” I told him. “The whole idea that it’s over between us. I honestly thought it would work out.”

“It did,” he said. “This is how it worked out.”"

–Lawrence Block, “A Ticket to the Boneyard”

I like that. It worked out. Not the way you wanted, but the way it was supposed to. Because maybe life is that way (or the universe or G or whatever). No matter how hard we try, what we want doesn't necessarily mean what the outcome is going to be.

I am the queen of trying to make things work. Even when every sign says "road closed ahead," I still try to drive through. Maybe it's just as simple as stopping and taking some time out to read the signs. Stop and realize, this is just how it's supposed to work out. Stop fighting it.

I read somewhere that life is simple when you do what you're supposed to do. Things fall into place and work out as they should. Does that mean bad things don't happen? No, but everyday life isn't a struggle of one problem to the next. One argument to the next. One battle to the next. That's all gone when you're where you're supposed to be, doing what you're supposed to be doing.

Does that equal stagnant? No. when the time is right, things will happen. Even if it's not what you thought it would be.
 
 
Fishkiller
09 October 2009 @ 08:43 pm

- No jackassery on social networking sites. Social networking sites are from now on strictly for friends. If you both are on there - fine. But no writing on each other's walls, putting shit about the other person in your status, fighting on there, sending gooey shit to each other - keep it friendly.
- No texting when you can talk on the phone or in person. This is difficult because we are, well, I am, "on" all the time. I have gotten used to NOT talking on the phone. Very bad I know. I need to get back into personal communication.
- No long emails (which this one is a hard one for me because I am a writer) no matter how hard you want to puke up your emotions on virtual paper. Save it for in person.
- No sex before ten dates. I stole this from Cougar Town - but I think it's probably a good thing. I guess. Sigh.
- No meeting a parent/parents until it's absolutely serious.

Anything else I should make as a rule?

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Thought of another....No, absolutely NO, men who are still attached to their ex anything. Also? I come first. No more bending over backwards only to be constantly put second. I come first. And thus, I will do the same. Also also - someone who is going to like me for me. Fat, thin, stretch marks, whatever - this is who I am and they will love it or leave. The end. Ok, I think that's it.
 
 
Fishkiller
As a family? We have been busy. With the Jew holidays, our work/school schedules, and home projects, it's been pretty hectic. In this hectic time, and thanks to the fabulous Jews who love to eat, we have not been as healthy as we should. In other words, the bagels and lox have resided on my left ass cheek while the noodle kugel and hamentashen is on the right. Also, Evie has been sick and has failed to get rid of it through two rounds of antibiotics.

All of this plus the fact that my trainer asked if I get five fruits and veggies in a day. Um, look sister, I'm not even sure I eat five servings of fruit in a month, much less a week or seriously, a freaking day. Salad? I"m good. I could eat the shit out of salad for the rest of my life. Fruit? Notsomuch. Not a fruit fan. Not really. no. So yeah, some changes need to be made.

So, in order to get us back on track we're going to, I don't want to use the word "diet", but more like the words "start some healthy habits." I'm going to..

oooh - Maroon Five just came on my Pandora station. let's pause for some good music while I have naughty girl thoughts about Adam Levine....mmmm

Ok - back from that. Anyway, starting Monday, we're going to be eating at home - healthy eating - with vegetables AND fruits. You know when your kid gets excited about finding a plum in the fridge, you have a problem. When she puts a basket of fruit on her wish list to Santa - you. are. an. asshole. parent. GIVE THE CHILD FRUIT ALREADY FOR FUCKS SAKE!

So I'm going to work out a shopping list this weekend and try to have us start a healthier lifestyle. I was going to try to do a weight watchers type of thing, but dammit - I can figure out healthy for us, can't I? I'm a grown up who has tried every diet in directory. You would think I would have it figured out by now. I don't want my child to diet. Ever. I want her to be healthy. The end.

OMG I am dancing to a Jason Mraz song right now. Am I happy? Somebody slap me.
 
 
Fishkiller
06 October 2009 @ 09:58 pm
One minute you're trying to decorate for the holidays, the next minute you're gone. Life is way too short I know, but this... I just don't understand.

I am grateful for all the love in my life. My friends, my family, especially the ones I don't see very often. I truly love and miss you.
 
 
Fishkiller
25 September 2009 @ 06:55 pm

I saw this in a blog today:

Happiness is not based on the absence of problems. Rather, it’s based on the ability to deal with problems.

Developing meaningful relationships leads to happiness. Buying experiences, not things, leads to happiness. Being “mindful” — carefully observing the world and paying attention to, and savoring, the little details that are overlooked — leads to happiness. The ability to bounce back from bad experiences without dwelling on them or continuing to repeat the patterns that caused them, or “resilience,” leads to happiness. Optimism, or better, “realistic optimism” (the glass is not half filled, but the 8-ounce glass has 4 ounces in it), leads to happiness. Each of these can be developed over time.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

 
 
Fishkiller
25 September 2009 @ 05:24 pm
An explanation from njop.org:

Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, begins at sunset on Sept. 27th. There is something mystical about Yom Kippur in that almost all Jews recognize the holiness of the day: On Yom Kippur, G-d graces the world with amnesty -- all one needs to do is to come and ask for it. When we spend the day talking with G-d, we are discussing, privately, all the things for which we need such amnesty, thereby cleansing ourselves and helping us recognize how we can improve our lives. In fact, the holiday is structured for us to build towards this connection with our inner-selves and with G-d.

I keep thinking of the three words: eat, pray, love.

We prepare for the fast by eating a meal - seudah hamafseket. The meal before the fast. Then we fast and pray during the day. There are specific Yom Kippur Prayers, the most famous being the Kol Nidre. Once we are finished with the day, we break the fast by all coming together as a community and celebrating. Eat, pray, love. Not entirely what the author had in mind with her three words, but can describe this day (and many other Jewish holidays) pretty well.
 
 
Fishkiller
24 September 2009 @ 12:41 pm
Thank you for being my friend, thank you for being a part of my life... I am sorry if I took that for granted. GMAR CHATIMA TOVA.
 
 
Fishkiller
23 September 2009 @ 12:53 pm
Sometimes I wonder that by being single, I am only living a half-life. That there is this whole other part of me that exists but is lying dormant, waiting for someone to come and revive it so it can start living as well. I'm not sure what that part consists of...well, sex for one...but other stuff too like maybe late night talks in bed, sharing secrets, picking out furniture, fighting about money/kids, having someone to help fix things... that sort of stuff.

I used to say "I want a husband just for the extra income." Not anymore. I don't need the extra income (although it would help), I don't even need someone to fix things or, well, even to have sex with - but I want that. I want to share a life with someone. My half life and his half life so we can have a whole one together.

Maybe not needing someone will finally be the way to finding someone? Like bargaining a contract. If you don't really need the extra income - it's much easier to bargain the fee.

There are two women who give me hope: Teresa Strasser and Lisa Loeb. Both Jewesses, both never married until late in life (39/40 respectively), and both are currently happy and pregnant. I have watched / read about both of them struggling to find someone, so I know that they have gone through exactly what I've been going through. This gives me hope. Maybe I too will find a younger, hotter and more talented Jewish man to marry and knock me up.

I saw a list on someone's website of her listing 40 reasons why she married her husband. I want to do that someday. It was, of course, for his 40th birthday, so I'll have to wait awhile to be able to do that since my future husband will be much much younger than that - but I think I can wait.
 
 
Fishkiller
16 September 2009 @ 09:59 pm
Rosh Hashanah - aka the Jewish New Year - is not only a time for reflection, but a time for forgiveness. This is a time where we take a look at the past year, acknowledge our mistakes, and ask for forgiveness from others as we also forgive them.

Late in the afternoon, we take bread crumbs (symbolizing of our sins) we have stored in our pockets and cast them into the water for a fresh start. Thoughts go with the bread crumbs as they wash out to sea (or in our case, to the ducks in the lake). Thoughts of things that have happened in the past year, mistakes we made, a time to work through them and start fresh, freeing ourselves of that burden.

Any anger, resentment and negativity that we have held onto, we let go. Let the breadcrumbs be the past. Wash away the things that are keeping us from full-filling our G-d given destiny. Let go of the things holding us back, so we can have room for things that have yet to come.

I forgive you.

I hope you forgive me.

Shana tova umetukah. I hope you all have a good and sweet new year.
 
 
Fishkiller
09 September 2009 @ 10:55 pm

I stood in the kitchen. Everything was silent except the cricket symphony playing outside the window. I sliced the melon, cold, ripe and pregnant with seeds and juices tumbled out from the opening. Flesh so tender, I could have torn away the pieces with my bare hands. The room and I both encompassed a sticky tropical air. The soft wet flesh seemed almost sensual, sexual, disturbing and yet intriguing as I ran my knife through each piece. Something so raw, so male and female about it.

Hormones. Sigh.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

 
 
Fishkiller
09 September 2009 @ 09:25 pm

The butterfly effect. Your decision changed everything. Something pretty amazing, now gone. Gemini has lost her twin. I will continue to search, but I'm afraid even if found, it won't be the same. Life alters things, causes pain, changes people. Even when one stands completely still, in observing the people surrounding them, they are inevitably changed, affected. No one is immune. We as humans are growing, changing, evolving. We can never go back to, what is now, just a memory.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

 
 
Fishkiller
03 September 2009 @ 10:41 pm
Life does not just happen. We are active participants in this game. We make choices and decisions every day that have consequences. Each of these result into who we are, who we've become, and who we may eventually be.

I am a single parent. It's who I am. I have no shame or embarrassment of that. Now. I used to, but that was my own doing. Believing others caused that shame was wrong. I allowed that to happen and consequently, was ashamed myself. I no longer am. Being a single parent made me what I am today - strong, capable, and knowledgeable about things that I might not otherwise be if I had been with someone. Don't feel sorry for me. I don't. I love my life. I have it pretty good. Were there struggles and tears? Absolutely. But that is all part of the growing process. The universe has taught me well. And honestly, I would do it again tomorrow (and have thought about it), if I could.

So the responsibility also lies I believe in married couples as well. There are a lot of stay-at-home mothers out there. I have envied you at times. I wish I could be there for my child 24/7. I wish I could share that much more with them. But I also understand the frustration. You are expected to be there 24/7 for them. I am and always have been as a single parent - but that was a given. I never had a break besides dropping off at the grandparents. I have heard the frustration of the stay-at-home mom on the responsibilities she carries which are not equal to that of her partner. I wonder - is part of that their own fault? Do we as women allow that to happen? Do we get frustrated when our partners are not helping, but also don't force the issue because it's easier to give in and do it ourselves than actually let go and make someone else do it? I hear you saying "but I shouldn't have to make my husband/wife do these things - they should be doing them because they want to." I agree. I have said that argument myself (when discussing my sperm donor - and I chose not to make him be a part of our lives. Was it a mistake? I will never know.) I do know I have also done this with my own child. It is easier for me to take over doing something than it is for me to sit back and make her responsible for it. To the detriment of my child I'm pretty sure. I just hate the fighting that occurs when trying. I'm sure that's how it feels for stay at home mom's/wives. You get to a point where you no longer have the fight in you. You give up and do it yourself. But then can we really complain when we shoulder the majority of duties? Do we have a right to feel angry or upset, if we are not taking responsibility in giving or forcing them to do work?

I don't know. I have never been married. I'm just thinking out loud.

Is it easier for us to complain about it than to do something about it? Relationships, parenting, it's all hard work. And I know I'm going to get killed on this, but I don't think mothers give their sons as much of an emotional burden of responsibility as they do their daughters. I say this being one of four - one being a boy and then us three girls. Who is the first person my mother calls in an emergency? Not my brother. And in turn, because we were made to feel this way - we became this way. We as a society treat our boys this way (in my opinion). Some ethnic backgrounds more than others. So then these boys grow to be men, marry, expect their wives to take care of everything just like their mothers did, and the cycle continues. And if you're a stay-at-home mom? Forget it. That is your job. The end. You don't get to bitch or complain, nor do you get to expect any help because it's your job. But what if these same women had expectations beyond this? What if they stood up and said "No, you do the laundry. Give the kids a bath on these three nights. Make dinner at least twice a week." Believe me, I know there are men out there who do it. Who take a participating role in their family. I think that's great. But the majority I think does the opposite until one day the other gets fed up and says so, or worse yet, leaves.

We have all made decisions in our lives and the result of these decisions have had some serious consequences. For better or worse, we must own these decisions and either accept them, or figure out a way to change them.

I wonder, does the same ring true with feelings? Can we decide one day to just be happy? To stop feeling sorry for ourselves, or being generally miserable and a veritable victim? Can we change that behavior? Is it possible to decide on an emotion? My good friend told me that. Just be happy. Make a conscious decision to be happy. Maybe he's right.