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28 December 2011 @ 05:13 am

My goals for 2012: To forgive myself for all the stupid shit I say and do, and to start dating men that actually like me. I think the 2nd is going to be a lot harder. It's super easy to date a guy that doesn't really like me because I know how it ends. Being vulnerable enough to date guys that actually like me? That's really scary.

Reading this book on dating and going through some exercises of why I'm still single has been...enlightening. If only we could get past what we feel we deserve (shitty relationships with narcissistic men who don't really like me has been my MO) and realize we deserve the best. I deserve someone great. But first, I need to be great as well.

So, new mantra: I am a sensitive, kind and generous person. I am loveable and smart, super funny and creative. I am free and open to give and to welcome unconditional love in my life.

Realize your awesome traits and you'll open yourself to find those traits in another. Be the person you want to attract.

Note to self: stop falling for guys who don't like you. Or might be gay. Also, stop letting your friends say you only want to date Jewish guys. It's not true and it's stopping you from meeting a lot of really great guys.

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13 December 2011 @ 08:56 pm

Having one of the lowest days I've had in a really long time. Let's hope it's mostly do to hormones and holidays and I'll snap out of it soon. We both can't be completely depressed. I mean someone needs to take care of the dogs.

Evie wanted to put up the tree this year. We haven't had one up since she was little. I think it's bc she wanted to feel how happy she used to feel about Santa and the holidays. I let her bc if it helps, I'm all for it.

Got the prescription after seeing the psych today. Never thought I'd be on drugs, much less my kid. Every time I think about it I start to cry. I'm so heartbroken over all of this. I feel so helpless.

My mantra right now? Get through tomorrow. That's it. I'm afraid to go any further. The reason I'm still single? My life is a crazy mess. No one wants this. I wouldn't want that if I was a guy. Stay away. I don't blame you. Hot mess right here.

Can I just crawl in bed until 2012? As long as there's a wine fridge in my room, I'll be fine.

So tired of holding it together. When can I break down? Single parent? Oh...ten after NEVER. Put that in What to Expect When You're (surprise!) Expecting, whoever you are that wrote that.

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11 December 2011 @ 12:21 am

Mantras I'm going to repeat to myself for the new year:
If you can't tell if he likes you or not, he doesn't. Move on (but don't give up).
I will have a new career in the new year.
We will have a new house in the new year.
My next relationship will be with someone who gives their love openly and generously. Never settle for less.
Give of yourself generously, especially to E and those you love.
Do not ever overwork again where it affects yourself or your family.
Make dinner plans with friends at least once a month.
Be healthy - workout, make dinners, enjoying life.
Write every day. Submit samples.
Enjoy life.
Become rich in finances, in love, in life.

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07 December 2011 @ 01:41 pm

I've never been shy, so I don't really understand or know how to read shy people. Am I supposed to keep talking if you're not? Am I supposed to call if you don't? What's the protocol?

My guess is I do nothing, but I've never been too good at that. I'm a go-get-what-you-want kind of gal. It's the whole self-sufficient feminist part of me.

Sometimes I hate that part of me. She can be pushy, loud, and overbearing. She also doesn't want any help thankyouverymuch. Like a petulant child screaming "I CAN DO IT." And yet she can't. Maybe she needs to take a lesson from the shy group and just be quiet for awhile.

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22 November 2011 @ 10:16 pm

It's too bad that I am laughing so hard about stuff but have no one to share it with. I'm really sorry there is no one in my life to share happiness with. How sad is that?

Today was a good day. I guess I'll just revel in that fact by myself. how sad.

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21 November 2011 @ 08:21 pm

But like my friend T did today, I'm going to follow and post after a very long hiatus.
Writing down my goals or what I want to manifest in my life:

I'm ready for a partner, best friend, and confidant to share our life with. Our, because my life is already an our. That person needs to fully embrace that and love all of us. Add water, instant family.

I'm ready for a life-change in my career - AKA what I want to be when I grow up. Whether that's helping others, starting my own business, opening a bar, remains to be seen. I am ready for it. It's definitely time. I wouldn't mind staying home for awhile, or working from home even.

Finally ready to make a home for all of us that I love. Move somewhere that I will enjoy in a house that I want to make *our* home. I realized when looking, I want an older home, 1920's to 1940's, with lots of wood and character. Those homes make me feel most at home. I think they remind me of my grandmothers house in Iowa.

Maybe have more kids. I've always wanted at least one more, but put it away thinking it's not going to happen. The gyno saying it to me the other day really threw me and made me start thinking about it again. So maybe it's still there.

Financial freedom. Whatever that means. Our great great grandparents would sell a lot just to be able to buy one present. Is that it or is it having a lot of money? I'm not sure. Having someone help me and take care of us would be awesome. Esp if that meant a housecleaner. Lord knows I could use all the help I can get. *win the lottery*

So, that's that. Think I'm going to visit my psychic, focus on positives, and see what the universe lays at my feet. I should be living in Santa Fe or Haight Ashbury with saying that, but it's true. All of it.

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19 January 2011 @ 08:56 pm

Maybe this year will finally be the year I get a stamp in my passport...maybe a move...a dream job...a special someone to share it all with...

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18 January 2011 @ 11:42 pm

Holy shit balls this has been the day from hell. Yes iPhone HELL not HE'LL! STOP CORRECTING MY TIRADES! Working downtown means driving on a lot of short 1-way streets. So you need to change lanes pretty quickly, right? So the whole $90 ticket I got today for "turning too soon" is total bullshit right? Then he had the nerve to thank me for being so courteous to him giving me a fucking ticket. Um, I had a choice? Fuckoff.

So I'm late picking up my kid now, trying to be extra careful driving, get back to work and fucking start my period. This wouldn't be a big deal except it's the ONE DAY I finally decided to let loose and go commando. In a dress. At least I had tights on but come fucking on Tuesday, you're killing me.

Then, what I knew would happen at work happened. Again. This me in the middle bullshit has got to stop. I feel like the kid who's between two divorced parents who are fighting about me. Christ on a bike it's ridiculous. Same thing, years later.

Hormonal, tired, broke, single. Wow. I'm quite the catch.

Spent the rest of the evening eating donuts, drinking beer and watching Going the Distance. This could not have been a better choice and totally made my night. I'm pretty sure if I found someone like Justin Long, I'd be set. Their banter/goofiness totally is me. Good flick. Gaffigan and Applegate are freaking hysterical. Charlie Day and Sudeikis? Adore anyway, so obv.

Fuck, let's hope tomorrow is better. Panties? Check. Slow turn? Check. Work? Work...uh...show up?

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17 January 2011 @ 03:41 am

Was just woken up by a noise so loud it shook the windows and had the dogs out of bed and fully freaked. I must say I was about the same. I'm still not sure what it was. The kid kicking the wall? She seemed pretty still when I checked. Nothing else I could visibly see when walking around. I'm not about to go outside in the snow. Brr.

I was dreaming of creating art, and I was signing it for someone. Me. I've never autographed anything but loans. We were also at a skating rink at one point. Way better than the dream the other night about work with the snake and the strangling. That said a lot.

Must try to go back to sleep, perhaps to dream. I don't write much here anymore, but I left my notebook downstairs. Maybe I'll try it again, but this almost feels like it's done. Dunno.

Found out there are jobs in Hollywood for people who are writers assistants. They take notes for the writers, write down everything thats said. I need that job. It would literally be seeing the process.

S said tonight that last night someone confessed to her (while drunk), let me see, how did she put it...confessed his obsession with me. I really don't want to know who. It doesn't really matter, does it? I guess maybe if it starts getting creepy, but it's the same story over and over. Especially since social networking. I'm not that person on FB or Twitter that they see, or obsess, or like or fall for - whatever it happens to be. I'm more than that. But I'm also baggage and emotions and a mom and a realist. They don't see that.


Still, my friends are all trying to set me up, even at a shiva for fucks sake. Gd love em. Maybe one will stick.

Dunno. Seems like a lot more breakups are happening. Big ones. Ones I did not expect. I suppose you just never know do you?

kiss kiss off to sleep

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06 December 2010 @ 10:08 am

I was talking to a friend the other day about forgiveness and letting go of something negative so you can bring something positive into your life. Of forgiving the person so YOU can move on.

I was telling her a story of a woman I met over a year ago. We had talked about travel and she said she had never traveled outside of the state. I was shocked. She said it was because her ex-husband had never let her or her kids leave. She was newly divorced and just started a new job at the time, so she was kind of seeing life in a whole new light. I ran into her the other day. Since that year has passed she had traveled all over the US with her new job, had found a wonderful new man who is completely enamored of her, and her life has basically done a 180. I said to her “can you believe all of this? You started out never traveling bc your ex was so controlling and now you’ve been to so many states and have this wonderful new man…” she stopped me. She said “I can’t blame my ex. I was just as much a part of that relationship as he was and I allowed him to control me. It’s not his fault. But yes, I moved on and found someone great and am doing what I love.”

After retelling this story to my friend I realized – I need to take my own advice.

Then I found a piece of paper last night that was a year and a half ago of me writing “I hate what you did to me. I hate that you____ I hate that you____ I hate that you____” and it was all sentences to one person going on and on about what I was feeling at the time – wounded, bitter, depressed,…hate. I cringed when I read that. Sometimes our immediate feelings are pretty strong, pretty harsh. But the funny thing is in judging my reaction – I realized I do not feel like that at all anymore. AT ALL. Just the opposite. If I saw that person tomorrow I’d probably hug them and tell them truthfully that it is good to see them – because I have forgiven them. And I know I was as much a part of that relationship as they were, as much a part of the dysfunction as they were, and as much a part of the destruction as they were.

Then this got me to thinking about Spermdonor. I was lying in bed meditating on this whole idea of forgiveness and the funniest thing happened: the first thing that came to my mind was imagining seeing him in person and hugging him. And I meant it! So I think I’ve forgiven him as well. Truly forgiven him. Not just saying it, but really feeling it. Again, I was part of that relationship. I wasn’t a victim. You can’t be a victim if you’re allowing someone to treat you a certain way.

Hopefully now that I am here in this place, I can be open to allowing someone else to be here with me. I have cleaned out the closet and made space for someone to move in. I want to start the new year with an open heart. Let's see what happens!

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