Still inappropriate after all these years....

09 July 2009 @ 06:42 pm

I am done believing in anything anymore. I don't believe in miracles, love, or even the fact that good things happen to good people. They don't. Life is shitty to whoever it wants and you just need to suck it up. My friends wife is diagnosed with ovarian cancer and she dies three months later. Why? Because shit happens. I have believed that if I was good enough or waited for the right one, that would happen. It hasn't. I've wished and prayed to get out of this hell hole, and I'm still here ten years later. Life sucks and then you die. The end.

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22 June 2009 @ 08:38 pm

Birth year resolutions

So another year has passed and I feel like I'm still in the same place. I am not happy about that. Of course my good friend Mary would tell me in some wonderful quote that this is of my own making. Mostly, I agree. I haven't tried as hard, out of fear. I waited around for someone, and that was a complete waste. I haven't saved money like I should have and now I'm just getting started.

I need to quit living in fear. I need to quit looking for love that may never come. I need to quit dreaming and start doing.

New birth year resolutions:
Save every penny possible.
Apply for jobs in other cities.
Write every single day. If I'm going to be a writer, I need to get my ass in gear and just do it!
Stop dreaming and start living.
Try to find a piece of happiness every day.
Lose the last 15 pounds that's been haunting me for months now.
Above all, move forward and do not look back.

Birthday gifts. Best: beers with Nav. Worst: weird mens hat and t-shirt from fast food place. Funniest: my mother giving me a mug that says "Call your mother." Sometimes she can be funny!

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10 June 2009 @ 07:28 pm

I have to say I am very proud of myself. Went to interview for that 2nd job and was totally calm and collected. And? I got it! (Money isn't the greatest but it will be a great experience.) I need to update my resume (I gave him the one from last year), and find some better writing examples in the future, but whatever...it worked! Off to buy a laptop so I can write from anywhere. </p>

Also, one of those three life changes I was talking about? A good friend has offered to donate to my cause if I choose to do so. So there's that on the table as well... We would just need to figure out the logistics of that if I take him up on his offer. My own Kevin Kline from The Big Chill so to speak.

Time is precious and it's running out. I need to make decisions sooner rather than later. Just wish money wasn't always a factor. Also wish I could work from home permanently so choices like that would be easier to make. Plus, my other kid needs me more during this raging hormone time, I think. We shall see. **Updated** Holy crap - this was my horoscope for today: You may feel conflicted today because your goals don't seem practical enough. You have a strong desire to increase the amount of meaning in your life right now, but the options to do this are not necessarily supported by your current job. Unfortunately, you cannot just walk away for you have financial obligations that must be met. Don't get discouraged if you have to continue on your present path for awhile longer; your time for change will come. If that doesn't say it all - then I don't know what does. Scary on the money.

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07 June 2009 @ 08:02 pm

Is this it?

I have no motivation. I need a miracle. I feel like I'm waiting for something that's never going to come. I'm in a very gray place. I need a purpose, an inspiration, and I feel like I have nothing. The person that was inside of me screaming has given up and is just now giving out a small whimper. I'm so tired. I wish someone would rescue me, just this once. I believe everything happens for a reason, but what if nothing happens? What does that mean? Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe I'm just having a bad night.

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24 May 2009 @ 01:04 pm

Donations

So I saw a tweet (get re-tweeted in fact) about a young couple having a garage sale and asking for donations for a down payment on their first home. I think I'm going to do that except it's either going to be for a boobs fund or get the hell out of Wichita fund. Please donate your gently used items for size D cups and a new life. All donations are much appreciated by both me, my kid, and any future lucky boys. I should make signs. Advertise in the paper. This could get interesting, or very creepy.

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19 May 2009 @ 12:38 pm

When I grow up

When you were little, what did you want to be as an adult? I know exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be Judy Blume. Isn't that funny? I wanted to be an author. What is stopping me from that dream? And how can I bring that to the surface? Is it even in me to do so? A blog is one thing, but an entire book? Completely different. This is why I want to explore the psyche. Can you bring something out of yourself that you didn't realize you had? Can you make yourself into what you want through subconscious manipulation? Can you be hypnotized to get what you want?

I'm thinking about possibly trying it out and writing about it. If nothing else it could also tell me whether or not I have the ability to even be hypnotized. Interesting to try to find out just how difficult (or easily manipulated) one might be....

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07 May 2009 @ 09:24 pm

Change is good

I'm feeling a life change coming on. A new dawn, a new day.

I have the money, should I:
Get my boobs put back into place,
Buy (or have donated) sperm to have a baby,
or
Move away if I have a job offer?

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04 May 2009 @ 04:10 pm

Does the one exist?

I asked my friend a question: How did you know you wanted to marry your wife? Was she the one? I was curious about his perspective.

He answered with this:
I met my wife before I lived there. We took a class together one semester. I was attracted to her but I didn’t see her until 7 years later. When I bumped in to her, I was tired of dating, the girlfriend thing, wedding plans, wedding rings, mothers in law, the whole BS.

I dated my wife for a month then we went to visit friends for a weekend in LA and on our way back we just drove to VEGAS and got hitched.

I look back and I remember some of the girlfriends that I had and some of them probably would have been better wives and sometimes I regret, but at that time - and this is important - I wasn’t ready in my mind to settle down. I was always looking for something bad in them and I wasn’t looking for the good things in them.

When I saw my wife, I didn’t feel like she swept me of my feet like in the movies. We just talked and she didn’t care about wedding dresses, expensive rings, big reception. She didn’t care about any of that - she just wanted to be with me.

So I asked her if she didn’t care about those things would she get married to me. She said yes and we did it. My family and even some friends got upset because I didn’t have a wedding. Some of them even predicted that it wouldn’t even last a month. Nine years later with 2 kids I am 95% happily married and most importantly I am at peace with myself

So to conclude: It wasn’t LOVE (like a fairytale) it was more of comfort with the person and maturity.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He asked if this answered my question. I answered with one word - perfectly. It was exactly what I needed to hear - exactly when I needed to hear it. The older I’ve gotten, the more I understand this and am starting to think this way. I personally have looked for the fantasy for way too long. I think we expect the movie, the chick flick, the fairytaleus women. I also think - with men and women - that we are constantly looking for something better to come along. I know I have been guilty of this on more than one occasion. You still need chemistry of coursebut maybe stop looking for flaws. We all have them. Yes, even you - you have them too. Shocker, I know. But it’s true.

What I like the most is him saying he’s 95% happy. I think that’s pretty accurate. I don’t think we can be 100% happy. There’s always going to be the little annoyances that go along with being in a relationship. He's too cheap, she snores, he doesn't pick up his dirty clothes, she leaves hair everywhere... But knowing when to be in a mature adult relationship with someone you love, rather than one existing solely on passion - that’s what makes the difference. Also, like he said, being ready.

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29 April 2009 @ 11:17 am

A lesson in black holes

In general relativity, a black hole is a region of space in which the gravitational field is so powerful that nothing, including light, can escape its pull. The black hole has a one-way surface, called an event horizon, into which objects can fall, but out of which nothing can come. It is called "black" because it absorbs all the light that hits it, reflecting nothing, just like a perfect blackbody in thermodynamics.

I was having this discussion the other day with R. Believe me, if anyone knows about it - she does.

At some point in all of our lives we learn the definition of this by dealing with people who are black holes. I'm sure you've met a black hole. You know, the one who no matter how much money you give, how much time you spend, how much love you give, how much effort you put forth, it's never enough. These people are black holes. You can give and give and yet it will never be enough. You can try and change them, you can hope and pray all you want, it won't matter. All these people will do is suck the life out of you.

This is a hard lesson to learn, because it actually means at some point you have to just walk away in order to get yourself back. Walking away from someone you've put so much time, money, effort and love in is a difficult thing. It means admitting defeat. But if you don't, you will continue to spiral down until there is nothing of you left. All there is left is them still needing more. Same drama, same issues, same problems.

I just want to tell you - you can't change this person. You have to let them go and hope they figure it out on their own. Part of their problem of being a black hole is the fact that they've had people like you there to support their problems. You are the classic enabler and unless you like banging your head against a brick wall, walk away.

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24 April 2009 @ 08:26 am

apropos

My horoscope for today...

Where are you going? How soon do you need to get there? Answers won't come easy, but then again, why should they? If they do, you're probably just telling yourself what society expects of you. So just let these questions simmer for a while and don't put too much pressure on yourself to find an answer right now. Sooner or later you will come to some conclusions. Just relax and trust yourself.

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23 April 2009 @ 07:17 am

Book

Reading "How to Be Single" by Liz Tuccillo. Holy crap this book should instead be called men are pigs and you're high if you think you're ever going to find someone after 35. Four single 38 year old women and their dating stories of trying to find a mate has now depressed me so much I'm giving up. Geezus! No more. I am now going to be the woman who has many affairs and travels all over the world. I am now going to be Auntie Mame!

**Updated**
I finished the book. More sad and depressing stories to the end. What exactly was I expecting? This is a book from the ex story editor of Sex and the City. Wasn't that show one episode after another of failed relationships and dating horror stories? Why did I think this would be any different? Yes the ultimate thought is girl power and to love ourselves. I think I could get that with a few less stories of men being assholes to these women. Ugh. We live dating nightmares in real life. I read to escape them, not to live other peoples as well.

One thing...her thoughts on life were a lot like mine when I was younger. "I never dreamed of marriage and always dreamed I'd live a glamorous life doing fun things with my friends. I knew everyone would get married before me. Then, at the last minute my guy would show up and he would, against my protestations and despite my cynical nature, sweep me off my feet and make me a wife and mother." I can't even begin to tell you how that was exactly what I thought when I was younger.

Also depressing was the amount of statistics she had where smart women were less likely to get married, guys don't like smart successful women, ect. Ugh.

Probably wouldn't recommend this to any of my single friends. Sorry Liz. The reason the SATC movie was so popular was bc Carrie and Big got married.

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15 April 2009 @ 03:37 pm

to-do life list

Kind of depressed/tired/something off today. SO, I'm going to write a life list (stolen from suburbanbliss.net) of things I dream about doing. Things that may be attainable within the next few years. I think I might have done this before - but whatever. I'm doing it again. I also may need to win the lottery.

1. Go to Mexico.
I have never been. I know, I can't believe it either. It's such a cheap and easy trip, can't be that difficult. I want margi's and mexi tacos on the beach all day long
2. Vacation someplace in Europe for a week or two. I honestly don't care where. London, Amsterdam, Paris - doesn't matter. I wouldn't mind seeing it all. Especially Greece.
3. Take a road trip across the US.
Reminds me of vacations I had as a child. Fun and you get to see so much more.
4. Wine tasting in the wine country (not at some huckleberry farm in podunk).
5. Buy new furniture.
Most of my stuff is from estate sales and grandmothers dying. I would like to buy a new couch and not feel guilty about it.
6. Have some physical enhancement done.
Enough said. Possibly soon.
7. Have a baby.
Now I don't know how attainable this is - depends on the eggs and the swimmers.
8. Have either a wedding or throw a giant kickass not-a-wedding party on a beach or some equally fantastic setting.
9. Hire someone to clean my house.
10. Get another dog for my neurotic dog to play with.
11. Move out of Kansas, hopefully near the ocean.
Easier said than done, but someday...
12. Go see a taping of a show.
I've always wanted to go on Price is Right and play Plinko. But even Letterman or maybe Daily Show.
13. Take Evie to Disney.
As much as I hate things like this, I'd do it for her. Hopefully before she gets too old for it all.
14. Try scuba diving and surfing at least once.
This would actually be a fear I'd have to overcome. I'm scared of getting eaten by sharks. Thank you Jaws.
15. Do something naughty in public.
And not being wastey faced this time. And not get caught.
16. Go to Hawaii on a romantic getaway.
Possibly getting nekkid outdoors somewhere.
17. Buy something without the thought of expense.
I am the biggest cheapskate. I worry about money with everything. I would like to just once not worry about what it costs and just buy it. That might have to be the enhancement...
18. Take a gourmet cooking class and have dinner parties to show off my skillz.
19. Try to have more fun with my kid.
It seems like we never have time to just do fun stuff together.
20. Get paid to do something I love.
Possibly writing, working out of my own studio, or owning my own business. I could totally imagine owning a business with friends too. Being able to quit in order to do it would be scary and thrilling at the same time.
21. Go on a vacation so remote that I would only wear a bathing suit and no makeup for an entire week.
Fiji?
22. Visit Israel.
23. Visit cities I've never been or have been but would like to see again.
Seattle, San Fran, LA, New Orleans, Savannah, etc.
24. Going to a huge concert (like Coachella) and seeing an awesome band in a tiny dive.
I've kind of done both before, but would like to revisit both at this age. I probably wouldn't get as wastey-faced as I used to and would be there to fully enjoy the experience and music. In other words, no puking at the end of the night.
25. Not holding anything back in regards to loving someone.
This is easier said than done. Have you tried this? Taking that leap of faith is huge. Especially with me since I have intimacy issues. I push rather than pull. I blame my mother. Just kidding. Maybe.
26. Get something published.
27. Finish my Judaism studies.
Have the mikveh, invite friends to a Seder in my home, figure out how to make matza ball soup like it should be.
28. Go tubing down a river.
I haven't done this since I was a kid. So much fun - until your bum hits a rock.
29. Go camping.
Again, having done this since I was a kid. Seems like such an easy thing, but I'm a total city girl and freak out at bugs and such.
30. Go offline for a week.
No phones, computers, anything. Not sure I could do it. Maybe in Fiji...

Geez. I need to win the lottery and start on all this yesterday. Notice a travel theme? Half of them. Wow.

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10 April 2009 @ 10:32 am

the wonder of the easter story, aka "come on kids, let's kill Jesus!" family bonding toy

Several years ago my mother bought my daughter a toy called The Wonder of the Easter Story. This happened to be a plastic egg crate with a dozen plastic eggs inside - each filled with some sort of toy that represented the Easter story. (sorry about the crappy pics from my phone)

Toys such as rope, a cross, a crown of thorns, the shroud of turin, money, goblet, a donkey, an extremely creepy set of praying hands that have been severed from someone, money, dice (teaching your kid to gamble - sweet!), a spear and a rock. I'm assuming you have your own Ken doll that can play Jesus and a maybe Skipper Barbie (she's way less slutty) to play Mary Magdalene.

Come on kids - let's kill Jesus! YAY! Who wants to shove the crown of thorns on his head? We can all share in the joy of whipping him while tied to a cross. Or wait - how about spearing his side to make sure he's dead? Timmy, can you hold the creepy severed hands while reciting this verse? Yes there is a booklet included...

Warning...not for children under the age of three. Well thank goodness they put SOME restrictions on this!

Disclaimer....This was not written in any way to offend your religion. It's written to mock the company that actually made this toy. Seriously weird.

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03 April 2009 @ 04:32 pm

questions and responses that somewhat irritate me and/or make me feel bad about myself

"What is she?" in reference to my daughter who is part Fillipino. This happened much more often when she was a baby than now, but I still get it every so often. "She Mexican?" Uh no, she not.

"How come you've never been married?" When asking about, well, if I've ever been married and then finding out zero is the answer. I always say "because I've never been asked." I want to say "because I'm a big fat loser who no one loves or wants, I guess" just to make them feel really bad.

"Oh no! What happened?" When telling someone about my breakup. Really? If I wanted you to know, I'd tell you. But you sally neighbor who I never talk to about any of this - you don't really need to know. But thanks for being so sensitive.

"Oh you shouldn't. It's not you, it's them." When saying that something or someone makes me feel bad about myself. Really? I was completely unaware of that, so thanks. Now I won't feel bad about myself anymore since I know I shouldn't. You have opened my eyes. So easy, why didn't I think of that?

How much weight have you lost? (there is one person who says something each and every time they see me at work. One compliment is ok. Every day - not so much.)

How much do you weigh now? This one kills me. Why does it matter? Such a weird personal thing to ask.

How old are you? And then they always respond: Really?! You don't look that old! uhhhhh...

Are you a lesbian? (Mom - for the twelve hundreth time...no.)
Are you a manhater? (Again mom - seriously...)

I'm not trying to pick on anyone. I just got asked two of these questions within the past day thought I'd puke it out here.

What questions do people ask you that annoy you? I've probably asked you one of them, btw. I tend to do the same thing and put my foot in my mouth. Often. I am fairly inappropriate at all times. So, sorry about that. My bad.

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30 March 2009 @ 04:01 pm

gay erotica books for tweens! YAY!

Yesterday my daughter asks if we can go to Borders to look for this book 'Marked' her friend A told her about. Sure whatever. More vampire novels - as long as she's reading I don't care. So I go to the computer to look it up since she can't remember the authors name. The first book that popped up was this -

and was listed under sex/recovery, erotica, and psychology. The description was:

Marked as prey, Alec refuses to fall for a werewolf. Until he's forced to turn to Liam for protection. Alec Ryerson carries a scar over his heart and scars on his psyche, ugly reminders of a nightmare that still doesn't seem quite real. Even a year later, he stays inside on full-moon nights and avoids most people until he meets the strange and beautiful Liam. Liam feels an undeniable pull toward Alec. However Liam is a werewolf; Alec is a human who clearly has trepidations about a relationship. Then Liam discovers he is not the first werewolf Alec has encountered. Alec has been marked for death by the murderous "quad," a group of twisted werewolves who prey on humans. Now the quad's sights are set on recruiting Liam's eight-year-old brother into their murderous pack. Liam will do everything in his power to protect both his brother and Alec from the wolves, even if it means calling in favors and killing those with whom he once ran. Because Alec, like it or not, is Liam's chosen mate.

And this is when I turn to my daughter and go "Oh hell no! I don't know what kind of books A is into, but no. This one is listed under erotica and psychology for grief's sake!" She goes "That's not the right one! The one I'm looking for has a crescent moon on the cover!" I go "Oh." and return to the search and found the right one. Five books down. Under teen fiction. Then she goes "Um, what's erotica?" Oh geez. "Do you want me to buy you the book or not? Then don't ask."

Let's hope she doesn't go home and google that term.

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29 March 2009 @ 08:03 am

Happy pill

I wonder why something as simple as happiness is so difficult to achieve? It should be easy, right? Just a state of mind. Flip of a switch, that's all. But the older we get the harder it seems to flip that switch. Circumstances in our everyday life and in the world make that more and more difficult. The more aware we are, the harder it seems. At least half of the people I know are on some sort of happy pill. That says a lot.

I'm not asking for a lot in life. All I want is to be happy. No matter what form that comes in. I've given up on every idea of what I want, thinking maybe I'm wanting the wrong things and that's just not part of the plan. Giving up on those has left me with nothing. So now I'm just asking for happiness. Even then, that's probably open to interpretation, depending on who you ask.

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19 March 2009 @ 06:37 pm

I live in a Bewitched neighborhood

It's weeks like this where I really wish I was a stay at home mom. My kid is off, the weather has been great, and all I want to do is go on a family vacation. Grrr. Spring fever can suck it. Also? My neighbors Gladys Kravitz and company can also suck it. Two different neighbors at two different times have asked two different people (one of them MY MOTHER) if M has moved in with me. Uh no!?! Once he came over to drop off some stuff and another time to take me to breakfast and unless he's doing drive-by's (which he swears he's not), then they need to get a life. Geesh! Small effing town. I need to move. Le sigh.

I need to go somewhere. Just for a weekend. See a concert, get drunk and flash the band, something. I need to release the beast! Not exactly the family vacation I was talking about earlier, unless I take E to a Jonas Brothers concert. That could actually be fun (*snicker snort*).

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19 March 2009 @ 10:18 am

Bands I'd love to have seen- List #1

Acts I would like to see live - or wish I would have back in the day.

The Kooks
Chemical Brothers (or as Dust Brothers early stuff)
Beastie Boys (speaking of Dust Brothers)
Dead Kennedy's
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Vampire Weekend
Talking Heads
Franz Ferdinand
Frou Frou
Thievery Corporation
The Cure (probaby via 1980's more than today. I was IN LOVE with Mr. Smith)
George Clinton and the PFunks
Pixies
Goldfrapp
Blink 182 (yes, I'd probably be the oldest in the crowd)
English Beat
Rufus Wainwright
R.E.M. (early 80's - dive bar in Georgia pref)
Old 97's
Dwight Yoakum (I find him very sexy for some reason. I know.)
kd Lang (so I could sing really obnoxiously loud and piss everyone off)
Lyle Lovett (again sexy for some reason - I'm a freak and I don't even like country music)
White Stripes
Ranconteurs (but not as much as the WS)
Joan Jett
Violent Femmes
Beck
NIrvana
Smashing Pumpkins (early more than later)
Sway Machinery
The Ramones
Misfits
Pavement
Elvis Costello (early)
The Clash
Prince (way early - none of that symbol shit)
The 5th grader in me says Pat Benetar would have been awesome. Love IS a Battlefield.
Jeff Buckley

I'll come up with another list I'm sure. This is just the start.

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05 March 2009 @ 09:49 am

the talk

So I had the talk with her. She immediately broke down and started crying when I asked her if our breakup was the reason. So then I did too. I still have tears in my eyes today.

She asked why we broke up. I just told her sometimes things just don't work out. She doesn't understand. We were happy. I said that's just sometimes how adults are.

She really really liked him. She asked if we were still friends. I said yeah, we've been talking a little bit. She said she misses him. I told her I do too.

I told her I would be dating around and there'd be other guys. She said still crying "what if they don't like me ?" I said that would never happen. Then she said "but what about all the stuff he promised we'd do together?" I asked like what. She said "like teaching me to skateboard and stuff." Ugh. Kids and their memories.

I told her I don't know what the future holds for us but it will be ok. Sometimes we love people and it still doesn't work out. But that's ok bc we had fun and there are more people to love in our life.

I'm a bit (more than a bit - more like extremely) heartbroken for her. Gah! I thought heartbreak for me was be bad. Watching your kid go through it is ten times worse bc you're complety helpless. And this is only the beginning I'm sure. Sigh.

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03 March 2009 @ 02:23 pm

F%$&

Oh shit. My kid has been having problems for the last month and I just realized it's my fault. It started right at the time M and I broke up. I didn't notice it then bc I was dealing with my own crap. Shit shit shit. This is exactly what I was afraid of. I know I can't shelter her from everything - but damn. She kept asking/teasing about us getting married. She would mention it a lot - joking of course - but don't we all do that about serious subjects? Fuck.

I can't believe I didn't get it! I didn't see the correlation until now. Makes me sad and feel like a complete fucking failure. I know I can't shelter her from everything, but she's just a kid. Much easier for me to handle heartbreak than her. And I know she adored M almost as much as I did. I don't know what to do. Talk to her about it? Therapy? I know it's not as traumatic as mommy and daddy getting divorced - but this was the first man I let in our life - the first potential dad to her in her mind... FUCK I'm an idiot.

I accept the fact that I may have a difficult journey in love/life - but I hate the fact that I have to drag her along for the ride.

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