I have that book - the love eat pray thing? I haven't started reading it yet. Sounds like just the right thing for you right now.

I think so. I hope so. It's going to be either that, or like my latest twitter said, a roofie and a time machine.

I'm kind of hostile this afternoon. I need to leave work before someone gets hurt. And by hurt I mean me being sarcastic to the point of causing emotional scars.

People seem to either love that book or hate it. I haven't read it, myself. But I'm glad it speaks to you. "How much do you love me" and "who's in charge"--that definitely sums it up.

I'm really relating to it. But it's also bc of the time in my life (same age as she was when writing it), the things I'm going through at the moment and things I am trying to find.

My friend who gave it to me could not believe people had such an eye-opening experience over this book. She was like "did we read the same book? it was good but..." and I'm reading it thinking "YES! This is what I've been struggling with. This is what I want!" I feel like this is an answer to something I've been questioning. Like I was given this book at the time I needed it. So yes, I see that people either love it or hate it. Get it, or don't.

It's a lot of God and spirituality - the universe as a whole - where you are in that place - a lot of wisdom of understanding. I think all that throws people off as hippy dippy. It's too bad bc really it's about love. Loving yourself, finding God in whatever way you choose to, and just being happy.

In the book it talks about making yourself happy. It's not some random state - but one we create and have to work on to keep a hold of it. That is super hard for me right now. I am too bogged down by the negative, but I'm trying. I went to the art shows last night with my daughter and we sat at an art house and sketched for about an hour. She loved it and I was happy that she was happy. I'm trying.

Also? Going to try to meditate and possibly start up yoga again. We'll see how long that lasts. I'm also thinking of taking a belly dancing class with Evie. Judaism classes on Sundays, belly dancing classes on Tuesdays. Maybe an art class somewhere else. Trying new things that will hopefully make me happy.

Ah yes, it can take a lot of work to be happy. It can be easier work sometimes than others, but it's still something that requires appreciation and mindfulness. Considering you just ended a special relationship, you are bound to be seeing negative, but you had good reason to take care of yourself and your heart.

So tell me about all of these classes. I get the yoga and the meditation sounds ambitious and impressive. A friend of mine has been doing it for years and says it really helps her. I'm not sure I get the belly dancing. Fun to do it with E. (you wrote her full name above btw), but otherwise how did you come to consider it? And how goes the Jewish studies? Did you actually go see your Rabbi? You mentioned you were going to. Was he helpful? And what's he like? Older? Youngish? How did he come to be in the deep midwest? I would think it would be hard to be a Jew in that state.

The dance thing started back in college. I took ballroom to get an easy A, but then went on to take other classes like modern dance and African dance because I loved it so much. I think I'm just wanting to do something again that makes me happy. That I enjoy. Dancing is that.

I went to see the Rabbi the other day to discuss the conversion process and study of the religion. He kept asking me "why Judaism". I told him I couldn't explain why I've been so attracted to it - it's just something I've always been drawn to. He said "that is what most people who are seeking it say. They don't have a specific answer to that question other than what they have felt inside." So that made me feel better. Not as much like a freak as I thought.

The Rabbi? He's in his forties, I'm assuming. He is super smart but has this geeky sense of humor - which I pointed out to him. He laughed and said that was strike one against me. In the old Jewish faith - a Rabbi would turn you away three times before they would allow you to convert. Then when he asked about remembering Jeb and I at synagogue one night, he said "was he tall?" and I said "No, he's Jewish." He said that was strike two. He's just kidding of course. He's a super nice guy, and I feel really comfortable with him. I haven't gotten his background yet but I did find out his wife is a graphic designer. He has a couple of kids who are twelve and eight. He got married at an older age, which I'm assuming meant 30 something.

With this course, I'm going to be studying with two other women who are converting. Also, he is going to be starting a Hebrew class, so I may be taking that as well. This should be really interesting. I'm kind of excited about it all. I've been reading up on some of it and it seems like the path I feel I should be taking. Some of the things I've been reading are resonating home with me. I can't explain why.

Yes, this is not exactly a highly Jewish population so being Jewish in this area is not really that popular like it would be in NY or other places. Synagogue service is small, unless it's a holiday, then it's pretty full. But I think this will be more ideal for me, having smaller groups to get to know that the large congregations where you don't know hardly anyone.

I was joking with him about going to a "six flags over Jesus" church and he said "I heard that term before and use it now so it's funny you should say that." I also said that Jeb and I had a bet on whether or not he would think "Happy Zombie Jesus Day" would be funny and he looked at me and I go "you know - Jesus coming back from the dead?" and he said "Oh that's sick" but then hid his face and laughed. One important thing the Jews stress is humor. The other? Sex. Two of the best things in life, no? How could you not be attracted to that?

Meditation is going to be hard for me. Esp having a child. I'm going to have to learn to get up really early and do it and then yoga before she wakes up and plugs in for the day. There are yoga classes at the Y early mornings so I may slip out while she still sleeps and try to catch a couple of those before she wakes up. it's just up the street so I don't feel as weird leaving her here while I do it. We'll see.

As far as using her name - I have done it before in blogs. I forget but I don't really worry too much about it.

Are you doing anything to try to find peace in your situation? It's so hard with so many factors and people involved. I feel for you on so many levels. Sometimes better to eat your hostility than to act it out. But then there is the resentment and stiffled anger.... no winning there.